


Beginnings

by tectoniche



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Beginnings, Canon Era, Dorks in Love, Emotionally Repressed, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-18
Updated: 2014-10-18
Packaged: 2018-02-18 22:40:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2364626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tectoniche/pseuds/tectoniche
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren and Levi beating themselves up over the fact that their would-be lovers would never love them. Maximum irony.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> Canon Verse.

It was strange, at first. The warm feeling Eren got around his Heichou. That's not to say, however, that Levi didn't felt the same way.

At first, Eren had assumed it was just out of admiration. But he wasn't stupid. He was affectionate towards the shorter man. Levi had known immediately that he loved Eren, due to his experience in this type of thing. Perhaps, the reason he loved the young man, was because of his likeness to Isabel Magnolia, in personality and aesthetically. (They had the same bright eyes, same smile, same excitement, and same rage. It was very unfortunate for Levi, having to be reminded of his failure. Keeping promises that were forced to coincide with the fates did not always work out, it seemed.)

It wasn't a good thing, either, on both sides.

For one: What if Levi wasn't even gay?  Eren chose to disregard that option, seeing as any outcome with that factor would end in tears and, most definitely, extreme embarrassment. The fact still remained, though, that in actuality Levi was gay.

Eren thoughts also entertained the fact that Levi was a former thug, and grew up underground, or at least that's what they say. (They being the other soldiers, particularly Petra, who had liked to gossip with him about the others often. Some days, he really missed her constant chatter whilst they cleaned.) He seemed not all that emotional, but after all the time Eren spent carefully studying the Corporal, he began to see past his stoic charade. He could see the hurt and sadness in his eyes after the deaths of comrades, and the tears meticulously willed back after each mission, or injury. He must have been holding it in like that all the time. Besides, in a world such as his, love wasn't exactly main priority. Who's to say that Levi wasn't going to die on their next expedition outside the confines of the walls? Or Eren?

Levi also thought about Eren's past. From the records, he knew that he had been raised in Shingasina, and was there when the titans attacked. His mother's death by them fueled his fire. Levi liked to think that before that he had had a good life. Levi didn't really know what said good life would be, he had grown up in the slums, eventually growing to resent the world for its cruelty and injustice and impurity and... Well, I'll save you the trouble; he resorted to crime and violence. At first, it was always chaos for Levi, before he actually got everything figured out in Stohess. He actually formulated the plans, and set them into action, killing when needed, but feeling little remorse about it later. (It was a sad idiosyncrasy from down there, and still is, that if he felt they were worthy of death, they should die. It helped him to conceal his emotions back then and now, that horrid mindset.)

Plus, from the information Eren had gathered, he had to be at the very least twice his age. He supposed that after a few years it wouldn't matter anyway. (That is to say, if they lived that long. Future Eren would criticize Eren about his petty, optimistic views about his future)

Levi still felt wrong about seeing Eren in the light he did, what with him being old enough to have been his father. He wasn't as silly as Eren about the age difference, thinking that it wouldn't matter. Levi knew, and could feel it a little bit now, that he was getting older, and was slowing down. Even if they didn't have the titans to fight, he would still die of age long before Eren. But they did have the titans to fight. So you never knew who would die next, one slow move and Levi was done for. He was glad for Eren's friend Mikasa, though, as he intended (And already requested) that when he died, should he die, he wanted Mikasa as his predecessor. Perhaps she would be able to comfort him, if Eren and Levi ever did get together, and that were to happen. (Them getting together in the first place was a tragedy, and was just begging to be ruined, if Levi's current luck was anything to go by.) It seemed that anyone he was around didn't make it. Isabel and Farlan, then his entire squad, and Mike and Nanaba and well, you get the picture. Future Levi would definitely chastise himself over this point, condemning himself to these deaths was something he shouldn't have done. In a way, though, they were his entire fault, though future Levi didn't like to recall those parts.

Mikasa knew of Eren's feeling almost instantly, and her heart ached over her now probable loss of Eren. When she looked upon Levi, she found gentle tenderness in his eyes as he watched Eren, and she knew she had lost her love, for good, then. She resented Levi, for taking her Eren away, but in the way that the usually-emotionless eyes lit up a little at Eren's excitement, she couldn't be that angry.

All that in mind, Eren often got flustered around Levi. He tended to drop things, and trip over nothing. The worst of these incidents, being, when he tripped and spilled tea all over Levi. I'll spare you the details but- let's just say there was a LOT of cleaning involved for Eren.

Levi was mad at the time, but not enough to permanently derail his affection for Eren. He didn’t think anything could at that point, or now, which was both a blessing and a curse. He felt more serene in the presence of Eren, even though Eren's presence was always emotional and excited and angry and... Well, Eren felt things. These were things that Levi hadn't displayed in a very long time. Eren wore his heart on his shoulder- and that was another blessing and a curse.

Now, you'd think with all those visible motives, at least Levi could have seen these signs. Eren's feelings were like he was waving a giant sign right in front of Levi's face, so obvious, yet somehow Levi didn't grasp it. He was too busy trying to control his own emotions, because they made him feel so wrong. Eren was young and innocent, and besides, Levi shouldn't love somebody, he didn't deserve anyone's love, especially not Eren's.

 At least, that was what Levi thought. Looking upon his life from afar, such as you and I are doing, I can certainly tell that maybe the thing Levi really needs right now is love. He knew Hanji cared about him, but she didn't really know much of the sadness that constantly overwhelmed him. Erwin could see such things, but gave up trying to help long ago.

Eren, on the other hand, didn't notice Levi had changed anything in his acts, and so he assumed that Levi didn't know of him. He also wrongly assumed that Levi didn't feel the same way. If there was any emotion Levi hid the deepest, it was his humanitarian compassion, for everyone he met. (Assuming he hadn't already deemed them bad, in which case, they were.) He kept a watchful eye over everyone in the Survey Corps, and made sure everyone was alright. Only a few had known if this, including Petra, and Mike, to some degree.

So that's how things went on, for them. They slid past each other, never wanting to make the first move. You'd think Levi would be able to tough himself up and go for it, but he didn't want to hurt Eren. It was very ironic in that way, being as the longer he held himself out, the more he hurt Eren. Future Eren and Future Levi would laugh about it later, and wonder how they didn't notice each other earlier.

Eren caught on to it, eventually, that Levi was being a little easier on him, but due to his constant broodings over the fact that Levi would never love him, he wasn't able to associate the kind acts at all with the idea of reciprocated feelings.

Hanji of course caught on quickly. Eren was easier to see through. She had speculated about it for a while, but one fateful day in the corridor brought her to the definite conclusion. She had been walking through the hallway with Eren, on the way to another of her experiments. Levi had been walking past the other way, and upon seeing him, Eren had tripped over his own feet. When he stood up, Levi had scoffed and straightened his jacket. The dusting of red across Eren's cheeks, and his loss for words, led her to her final thesis. Levi was a bit more difficult. She had had to catch him off guard to find the truth. It was late one night, when she had to deliver some paperwork to the Corporal. Coming upon the office, she heard Eren's and Levi's voices inside. From the information she'd gathered, Eren had tracked mud through the hallways after a training practice at the old HQ. The surprising, and revealing, part for Hanji was that his only punishment was to clean up the mud he'd brought in. The last time someone tracked mud into Levi's domain, they had had to clean the entire HQ spotless. Twice. (Needless to say, Gunther never tracked mud in on his boots again.) Hanji knew then that these two were just skirting around their emotions. She had decided to stick to the sidelines for this one, unless things got too bad, only then she would set them up. (That's what she promised herself, anyway. Future Hanji would most likely criticize this type of thinking; she would've wanted them to get together right away. If she lived in you or I's world, she would be a shipper. A very hardcore shipper...)

This was how things were for them. For a long time. Until they weren't.

 

* * *

 

It had been a very long day, for all of them. The casualties were higher than they have been for a while. Everyone was of low spirits.

Eren had seen the tears, hidden in Levi's steely eyes. His voice was stern, as per usual, and his actions cold and calculated. Eren was still watching the Corporal when he heard two of the cadets in another squad walk by.

"...He is just so cold, you know? I don't know how he does it, always ordering men to their deaths." Eren didn't understand who they were talking about, until the shorter of the two women continued the thought.

"I know! The Corporal is heartless, and totally cruel! You know he made me clean for two whole hours last week! How insane is that..." The two women walked out of Eren's hearing distance. Levi wasn't far from Eren, so he had heard the conversation as well. Eren turned his head to the Corporal, trying to read his thoughts. A small amount of shock and confusion was written into his features, and most of all he looked hurt. He looked childlike, somehow. Without his furrowed brow and creased eyes, he looked like an innocent little kid. The emotion quickly wiped from the canvas that Eren loved, and it was back to the stoic face that was always there. He could still see the hint of pain in his eyes.

Levi registered what he had heard. Did all they think of him that he was cruel? That he didn't care about any of the soldiers that had died under his command? He had been putting in effort lately to try to be nicer, and maybe to show some emotions every now and then, but was he still just his old self? He had grown up underground, and was taught his entire life that if you show your happiness, it will be taken from you. That was a lesson he had learned early. He also learned that if you put up a good enough mask, people wouldn't know if you were sad or angry or scared... The instinct to hide everything followed him everywhere, his subconscious keeping him from getting manipulated and hurt. What did Eren think of him, then? Did Eren think he was just a mean old man?

Eren was mad that the women had said those things about Levi, when they weren't true! And they obviously hurt Levi, in the process. He should give them a piece of his mind... He didn't even know who they were, though, and where they had gone.

The Scouting Legion went back through the walls, and Eren had never heard them boo so loudly. He heard particularly mean insults about how we were just fattening up men to die, and almost jumped off his horse at the man who yelled it. He also started to listen to the insults. He realized that a majority of them were aimed at the higher-ups, especially Commander Erwin and the squad leaders.

"Humanity's Strongest, huh! How's it feel sending all those men to die?!"

"Some commander, can't even do his job!"

"They should just give up! There expeditions aren't even getting any information!"

He saw that none of them were making eye contact, and looked unresponsive to the comments. Eren  was closer to them, though, and could see the tension in their shoulders.

Levi was used to the hate. Whether he was an orphan, a criminal, or a hero, he was never the good guy. Erwin was used to it, too. He constantly got berated with insults. Hanji, Mike, all of them at some point had just hardened their appearances to look unfazed by these comments. They had too. Sometimes doing the right thing didn't seem to be the most popular.

As time passed, the two of them got more comfortable around each other. Levi let his guard down a little more than he thought he should, letting his more calm self appear when in a room with Eren. The younger had started to notice, too, that Levi's face looked more peaceful, as of late, replacing the mask of distaste he always wore. It was just around him, though, and sometimes Hanji. As soon as someone else came into the room, he went back to the tense face of stone he always wore.

They were just starting to fall into sync, but everything has a beginning.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Soooooooooo... R/R appreciated, and they somehow got together after all this awkwardness, if you were wondering


End file.
